Doing Business Depressed
I have been getting a lot of DM’s lately from people I know congratulating me on everything I am doing. Some are saying “It looks like you are absolutely smashing it” “Things look like they’re going so well for you” etc.
Key words “Looks like” - They do know me and some of the pain I carry, I think that’s why they’ve phrased it as looks like. No one really knows how bad I actually feel inside… not even me. I’ve been becoming more and more aware of it this year though. I am hoping with all that I have left, that this is part of the healing process. To discover the deepness, the vastness, the complexity, the infinity, the self hatred, the despair and the loneliness of it all. Pain really cracks my heart open but I need some respite. The universe doesn’t really seem to want to give me any, not for decades, most of my life has been this way and I’ve spent most of my life trying to heal it all and still live a decent life. It’s getting harder the older I get (I often wonder if I will become one of those old jaded white-haired ladies I’ve met along the way, in the future)
The perspective others have of me makes me feel like a fraud and a liar.
As someone who prides herself on being authentic and genuine online, this moment in time I find myself in, perplexes me. I feel like I am very honest online, though as I am getting older, I am trying harder not to use the internet like an open diary as I previously did in my younger years. I have decided to try to capture the glimmers, the magic in moments that I see and share those to motivate myself to keep going and to continue to document what I am capable of for reminders. Though, in reality, I am living in an internal and constant of pain and turmoil.
Recently I attempted to record a podcast with an amazing woman, but I ended up hijacking the episode and turned it into a full-blown meltdown moment and just broke. I don’t want to share that part of the episode because it is too vulnerable and people WILL judge me because it is bad - I sound like I am going to off myself, so I know they will judge me, they just will and where I am at, I can’t handle anymore judgement. Logically, I want to share it. Hopefully I will be able to before I leave this world. I don’t want people to feel alone in their pain like I do every day, but I am so raw and feel too tender to share it right now. This article is as best as I can muster in trying to be transparent.
I HAVE to keep showing up depressed in my business because the alternative is staying in the foetal position, un-showered for days/weeks/months, sleeping and eating my life away. Usually on the weekends I am doing that just to recover from the week. I am burnt out, traumatised, exhausted and my whole body is in constant pain. What client wants to do work with someone showing THAT on the internet? Frankly, I don’t post when I am in those really painful places either. If I knew I would not be judged for it I would. I look forward to the day I don’t give a fuck about being judged but right now I do.
It’s perplexing, it really is. It’s sort of the fake it till you make it thing, but it’s also not that for me. I do share genuine thoughts and experiences though I am avoiding sharing the dark ones and keeping them to myself for the sake of trying to make this business into something that can support me well. Who’s going to break first? Me or my business? I am constantly breaking but my business has not yet broken through to success yet, it’s just broke, financially. LOL! Laughing at myself and using dark humour is my only saving grace right now.
DEPRESSED AND DOING IT ANYWAY - is the slogan I’ve got going on for myself right now.
I think a lot of people are where I am right now too. It’s like what is the point of sharing when there is no solution yet. Money would help a lot. So I am focused on trying to figure out how I can serve well enough to earn peoples trust and be the person they would be delighted to support financially.
I think my clients are the only reason why I’ve been able to show up for myself at all. Being able to serve, surprise and delight others really does fill me up a tiny bit more, each time I do it. I am deeply grateful for all my past and future clients.
Are you like me? How do you do business when you are chronically depressed? DM me if you want to share about it xx
Love love.